所谓回忆者,虽说可以使人欢欣,有时也不免使人寂寞,使精神的丝缕还牵着己逝的寂寞的时光,又有什么意味呢,而我偏苦于不能全忘却,这不能全忘的一部分,到现在便成了《呐喊》的来由。
For although recalling the past may bring happiness, at times it cannot but bring loneliness, and what is the point of clinging in spirit to lonely bygone days?”However, my trouble is that I cannot forget completely, and these stories stem from those things which I have been unable to forget.
我有四年多,曾经常常,――几乎是每天,出入于质铺和药店里,年纪可是忘却了,总之是药店的柜台正和我一样高,质铺的是比我高一倍,我从一倍高的柜台外送上衣服或首饰去,在侮蔑里接了钱,再到一样高的柜台上给我久病的父亲去买药。
For more than four years I frequented, almost daily , a pawnshop and pharmacy.I cannot remember how old I was at the time, but the pharmacy counter was exactly my height and that in the pawnshop twice my height.I used to hand clothes and trinkets up to the counter twice my height, then take the money given me with contempt to the counter my own height to buy medicine for my father, a chronic invalid.
回家之后,又须忙别的事了,因为开方的医生是最有名的,以此所用的药引也奇特:冬天的芦根,经霜三年的甘蔗,蟋蟀要原对的,结子的平地木,……多不是容易办到的东西。
On my re-turn home I had other things to keep me busy, for our physician was so eminent that he prescribed unusual drugs and adjuvants: aloe roots dug up in winter, sug-ar-cane that had been three years exposed to frost, original pairs of crickets, and ardisia that had seed-ed..most of which were difficult to come by. .
然而我的父亲终于日重一日的亡故了。
The upshot was that my father grew worse with every passing day and finally died.
有谁从小康人家而坠入困顿的么,我以为在这途路中,大概可以看见世人的真面目;我要到N进K学堂去了①,仿佛是想走异路,逃异地,去寻求别样的人们。
I think it's true to say that any once-comfortable family that falls on hard times sees soon enough what the world really thinks of it.
And so I made up my mind to enroll in the Naval Academy in Nanjing: to go in search of different people, different paths.
我的母亲没有法,办了八元的川资,说是由我的自便;然而伊哭了,这正是情理中的事,因为那时读书应试是正路,所谓学洋务,社会上便以为是一种走投无路的人,只得将灵魂卖给鬼子,要加倍的奚落而且排斥的,而况伊又看不见自己的儿子了。
My mother had no choice but to raise eight dollars for my travelling expenses and say I might do as I pleased.That she cried was only natural, for at that time the proper thing was to study the classics and take the official examinations.Anyone who studied " foreign subjects" was a social outcast regarded as someone who could find no way out and was forced to sell his soul to foreign devils.Besides, she was sorry to part with me.
然而我也顾不得这些事,终于到N去进了K学堂了,在这学堂里,我才知道世上还有所谓格致,算学,地理,历史,绘图和体操。
But in spite of all this, I went to N ― and entered the K ― Academy; and it was there that I learned of the existence of physics, arithmetic, geography, history, drawing and physical training.
生理学并不教,但我们却看到些木版的《全体新论》和《化学卫生论》之类了。
Though physiology was not on the curriculum, we caught glimpses - as wood-block prints - of works such as A New Treatise on the Human Body and Essays on Chemistry and Hygiene.
我还记得先前的医生的议论和方药,和现在所知道的比较起来,便渐渐的悟得中医不过是一种有意的或无意的骗子②,同时又很起了对于被骗的病人和他的家族的同情;而且从译出的历史上,又知道了日本维新是大半发端于西方医学的事实。
Recalling the talk and prescriptions of physicians I had known and comparing them with what I now knew, I came to the conclusion that those physicians must be either unwitting or delib-erate charlatans; and I began to feel great sympathy for the invalids and families who suffered at their hands.From translated histories I also learned that the JapaneseReformation owed its rise, to a great extent, to the in-troduction of Western medical science to Japan.
因为这些幼稚的知识,后来便使我的学籍列在日本一个乡间的医学专门学校里了。
Thanks to the rudimentary knowledge I picked up in Nanjing, I found my name subsequently fetching up on the register of a medical school in rural Japan.
我的梦很美满,预备卒业回来,救治象我父亲似的被误的病人的疾苦,战争时候便去当军医,一面又促进了国人对于维新的信仰。
My dream was a beautiful one: after graduation, I'd go home and alleviate the suffering of all those unfortunates who had been victimized like my father.
In the event of war, I'd become a surgeon in the military; and in any case, I would strengthen my countrymen's faith in modernization.
我已不知道教授微生物学的方法,现在又有了怎样的进步了,总之那时是用了电影,来显示微生物的形状的,因此有时讲义的一段落已完,而时间还没有到,教师便映些风景或时事的画片给学生看,以用去这多余的光阴。
I have no idea what progress has been made in the teaching of microbiology since my time, but back then we were shown the outlines of microbes as images on lantern slides.Because lectures sometimes finished early, the teacher would make up the remaining minutes by entertaining students with slides depicting picturesque landscapes or current affairs.
其时正当日俄战争的时候,关于战事的画片自然也就比较的多了,我在这一个讲堂中,便须常常随喜我那同学们的拍手和喝采。
As it so happened that the Russo-Japanese War was ongoing at the time, our lectures were often concluded by scenes from this conflict.
In this classroom setting, I found myself obliged to echo - with my own claps and cheers - my classmates' jubilation.
有一回,我竟在画片上忽然会见我久违的许多中国人了,一个绑在中间,许多站在左右,一样是强壮的体格,而显出麻木的神情。
It was a long time since I had seen and compatriots, but one day I saw a news reel slide of a number of Chinese, one of them bound and the rest standing around him.They were all sturdy fellows but appeared completely apathetic.
据解说,则绑着的是替俄国做了军事上的侦探,正要被日军砍下头颅来示众,而围着的便是来赏鉴这示众的盛举的人们。
According to the commentary, the one with his hands bound was a spy working for the Russians who was to be beheaded by the Japanese military as a warning to others, while the Chinese beside him had come to enjoy the spectacle.
这一学年没有完毕,我已经到了东京了,因为从那一回以后,我便觉得医学并非一件紧要事,凡是愚弱的国民,即使体格如何健全,如何茁壮,也只能做毫无意义的示众的材料和看客,病死多少是不必以为不幸的。
Before the term was over I had left for Tokyo, because this slide convinced me that medical science was not so important after all.The people of a weak and backward country, however strong and healthy they might be, could only serve to be made examples of or as witnesses of such futile spectacles; and it was not necessarily deplorable if many of them died of illness.
所以我们的第一要著,是在改变他们的精神,而善于改变精神的是,我那时以为当然要推文艺,于是想提倡文艺运动了。
The most important thing to be done was to transform their spirits, and of course the best way to effect a spiritual transformation―or so I thought at the time― would be through literature and art.
All right then, I would promote a literary movement.
在东京的留学生很有学法政理化以至警察工业的,但没有人治文学和美术;可是在冷淡的空气中,也幸而寻到几个同志了,此外又邀集了必须的几个人,商量之后,第一步当然是出杂志,名目是取“新的生命”的意思,因为我们那时大抵带些复古的倾向,所以只谓之《新生》。
There were droves of Chinese students in Tokyo studying everything from law, politics, physics, and chemistry on down to police administration and industrial planning, but not a single one was studying either literature or art.
Even in such a cold and uncongenial atmosphere, however, I was fortunate enough to find a few like-minded comrades.
We rounded up some other people who would be essential to our project and after some consultation, decided that the first order of business would be―what else? ―to put out a magazine.
The name of our publication was supposed to express the idea of "new life," but since most of us were somewhat classically inclined at the time, we called it Renascence8
《新生》的出版之期接近了,但最先就隐去了若干担当文字的人,接着又逃走了资本,结果只剩下不名一钱的三个人。
But as publication approached, first those who had pledged to write for us, and then our capital, melted away, leaving only three of us, without a penny to our names.
创始时候既己背时,失败时候当然无可告语,而其后却连这三个人也都为各自的运命所驱策,不能在一处纵谈将来的好梦了,这就是我们的并未产生的《新生》的结局。
Since we had launched our venture against the tide of the times, of course we couldn't really complain all that much when it failed.
Later on, even we three―each driven by the exigencies of his own individual fate―were no longer able to hang together and freely share our dreams for the future.
Such was the end of our Renascence, which had actually never been born in the first place.
我感到未尝经验的无聊,是自此以后的事。
After that, I was assailed by a feeling of aimlessness, such as I had never known before.
我当初是不知其所以然的;后来想,凡有一人的主张,得了赞和,是促其前进的,得了反对,是促其奋斗的,独有叫喊于生人中,而生人并无反应,既非赞同,也无反对,如置身毫无边际的荒原,无可措手的了,这是怎样的悲哀呵,我于是以我所感到者为寂寞。
At first I was unable to identify the cause of this feeling, but later on I managed to think it out.
When a man comes forward with an idea and others approve, that's enough to encourage him to go on; if they disapprove, that's enough to goad him into keeping up the struggle.
But a real tragedy occurs when he cries out in the realm of the living and there's no response at all ―no approval, and no opposition either.
It was like finding myself in the midst of a boundless and desolate plain where there were no reference points, nothing to lay one's hand to―an agonizing plight.
At that point I began to realize that what I actually felt was loneliness,
这寂寞又一天一天的长大起来,如大毒蛇,缠住了我的灵魂了。
And this sense of loneliness grew from day to day, entwining itself about my soul like some huge poisonous snake.
然而我虽然自有无端的悲哀,却也并不愤懑,因为这经验使我反省,看见自己了:就是我决不是一个振臂一呼应者云集的英雄。
And though I was unreasonable enough to feel the sorrow of it, I couldn't stir myself to anger.
Because the Tokyo fiasco forced me to reflect realistically on myself: that I was no hero, no demagogue capable of rousing the masses with a single battle-cry.