易怒是动辄为一些在旁人看来微不足道的小事而恼怒的现象。
There is so much irritability around and it exacts a huge daily cost on our collective lives, so we deserve to get a lot more curious about it: what is really going on for the irritable person?
Why, really, are they getting so agitated?
And instead of blaming them for getting het up about “little things”, we should do them the honour of working out why, in fact, these things may not be so minor after all.
比如伴侣问起你工作的情况，询问的方式令你大为不快。
There is so much irritability around and it exacts a huge daily cost on our collective lives, so we deserve to get a lot more curious about it: what is really going on for the irritable person?
Why, really, are they getting so agitated?
And instead of blaming them for getting het up about “little things”, we should do them the honour of working out why, in fact, these things may not be so minor after all.
又比如当他正为晚餐摆放刀叉，你提醒说（不是第一次了）叉子应该放在左侧，而非右侧。
There is so much irritability around and it exacts a huge daily cost on our collective lives, so we deserve to get a lot more curious about it: what is really going on for the irritable person?
Why, really, are they getting so agitated?
And instead of blaming them for getting het up about “little things”, we should do them the honour of working out why, in fact, these things may not be so minor after all.
对方旋即一声粗叹，将刀叉一下扫落在地，冲你大吼，你摆得好，你就xxx自己来啊。
There is so much irritability around and it exacts a huge daily cost on our collective lives, so we deserve to get a lot more curious about it: what is really going on for the irritable person?
Why, really, are they getting so agitated?
And instead of blaming them for getting het up about “little things”, we should do them the honour of working out why, in fact, these things may not be so minor after all.
你压根儿就没怎么批评他，且完全在理，可对方却大发雷霆。
There is so much irritability around and it exacts a huge daily cost on our collective lives, so we deserve to get a lot more curious about it: what is really going on for the irritable person?
Why, really, are they getting so agitated?
And instead of blaming them for getting het up about “little things”, we should do them the honour of working out why, in fact, these things may not be so minor after all.
易怒现象比比皆是，使我们的共同生活每天都为之付出昂贵的代价，所以我们更有必要对之深入探究：易怒之人到底是怎么了？
The journey begins by recognising the role of fear in irritability in couples.
Behind most outbursts are cack-handed attempts to teach the other person something.
There are things we’d like to point out, flaws that we can discern, remarks we feel we really must make, but our awareness of how to proceed is panicked and hasty.
We give cack-handed, mean speeches, which bear no faith in the legitimacy (even the nobility) of the act of imparting advice.
And when our partners are on the receiving end of these irritable “lessons”, they of course swiftly grow defensive and brittle in the face of suggestions which seem more like mean-minded and senseless assaults on their very natures rather than caring, gentle attempts to address troublesome aspects of joint life.
他们究竟因何如此光火？
The journey begins by recognising the role of fear in irritability in couples.
Behind most outbursts are cack-handed attempts to teach the other person something.
There are things we’d like to point out, flaws that we can discern, remarks we feel we really must make, but our awareness of how to proceed is panicked and hasty.
We give cack-handed, mean speeches, which bear no faith in the legitimacy (even the nobility) of the act of imparting advice.
And when our partners are on the receiving end of these irritable “lessons”, they of course swiftly grow defensive and brittle in the face of suggestions which seem more like mean-minded and senseless assaults on their very natures rather than caring, gentle attempts to address troublesome aspects of joint life.
我们不应责备他们为“丁点儿小事”而火冒三丈，而是应该伸出援手，帮助他们找出个中原因，毕竟，这些事情未必就是区区小事。
The journey begins by recognising the role of fear in irritability in couples.
Behind most outbursts are cack-handed attempts to teach the other person something.
There are things we’d like to point out, flaws that we can discern, remarks we feel we really must make, but our awareness of how to proceed is panicked and hasty.
We give cack-handed, mean speeches, which bear no faith in the legitimacy (even the nobility) of the act of imparting advice.
And when our partners are on the receiving end of these irritable “lessons”, they of course swiftly grow defensive and brittle in the face of suggestions which seem more like mean-minded and senseless assaults on their very natures rather than caring, gentle attempts to address troublesome aspects of joint life.
首先要认识忧惧在伴侣间的易怒情绪中所起的作用。
The prerequisite of calm in a teacher is a degree of indifference as to the success or failure of the lesson.
One naturally wants for things to go well, but if an obdurate pupil flunks trigonometry, it is – at base – their problem.
Tempers can stay even because individual students do not have very much power over teachers’ lives.
Fortunately, as not caring too much turns out to be a critical aspect of successful pedagogy.
大多数发脾气的情况是因为一方用拙劣的方式说教另一方。
The prerequisite of calm in a teacher is a degree of indifference as to the success or failure of the lesson.
One naturally wants for things to go well, but if an obdurate pupil flunks trigonometry, it is – at base – their problem.
Tempers can stay even because individual students do not have very much power over teachers’ lives.
Fortunately, as not caring too much turns out to be a critical aspect of successful pedagogy.
有些事情是我们想要指出来的，有些缺陷是我们能够发现的，有些话是我们觉得必须说的，但却没有斟酌该怎么说，显得急三火四、口无遮拦。
The prerequisite of calm in a teacher is a degree of indifference as to the success or failure of the lesson.
One naturally wants for things to go well, but if an obdurate pupil flunks trigonometry, it is – at base – their problem.
Tempers can stay even because individual students do not have very much power over teachers’ lives.
Fortunately, as not caring too much turns out to be a critical aspect of successful pedagogy.
本来提建议是正当（甚至是高尚）的行为，我们却说得很拙劣、很刻薄。
The prerequisite of calm in a teacher is a degree of indifference as to the success or failure of the lesson.
One naturally wants for things to go well, but if an obdurate pupil flunks trigonometry, it is – at base – their problem.
Tempers can stay even because individual students do not have very much power over teachers’ lives.
Fortunately, as not caring too much turns out to be a critical aspect of successful pedagogy.
我们的伴侣一听到这些让人来气的“说教”，自然心生抵触，脾气一点就着，在他们看来，这些建议不是试图以温柔关爱的方式解决共同生活中的问题，倒更像是对他们品性的恶意中伤、无端攻击。
The prerequisite of calm in a teacher is a degree of indifference as to the success or failure of the lesson.
One naturally wants for things to go well, but if an obdurate pupil flunks trigonometry, it is – at base – their problem.
Tempers can stay even because individual students do not have very much power over teachers’ lives.
Fortunately, as not caring too much turns out to be a critical aspect of successful pedagogy.
教师能否心平气和，在一定程度上取决于他是否超然于教学的成败之外。
Yet this isn’t an option open to the fearful, irritable lover.
They feel ineluctably led to deliver their “lessons” in a cataclysmic, frenzied manner (the door slams very loudly indeed) not because they are insane or vile (though one could easily draw these conclusions) so much as because they are terrified; terrified of spoiling what remains of their years on the planet in the company of someone who it appears cannot in any way understand a pivotal point about conversation, or cutlery, or the right time to order a taxi.
当老师的自然希望诸事顺利，但若一个学生总是不开窍，三角学考砸了，这说到底是他自己的问题。
Yet this isn’t an option open to the fearful, irritable lover.
They feel ineluctably led to deliver their “lessons” in a cataclysmic, frenzied manner (the door slams very loudly indeed) not because they are insane or vile (though one could easily draw these conclusions) so much as because they are terrified; terrified of spoiling what remains of their years on the planet in the company of someone who it appears cannot in any way understand a pivotal point about conversation, or cutlery, or the right time to order a taxi.
个别学生并不能对教师的生活有多大的影响，因此教师才能够保持冷静。
Yet this isn’t an option open to the fearful, irritable lover.
They feel ineluctably led to deliver their “lessons” in a cataclysmic, frenzied manner (the door slams very loudly indeed) not because they are insane or vile (though one could easily draw these conclusions) so much as because they are terrified; terrified of spoiling what remains of their years on the planet in the company of someone who it appears cannot in any way understand a pivotal point about conversation, or cutlery, or the right time to order a taxi.
值得庆幸的是，不过度在意才是教育成功至关重要的一个方面。
Yet this isn’t an option open to the fearful, irritable lover.
They feel ineluctably led to deliver their “lessons” in a cataclysmic, frenzied manner (the door slams very loudly indeed) not because they are insane or vile (though one could easily draw these conclusions) so much as because they are terrified; terrified of spoiling what remains of their years on the planet in the company of someone who it appears cannot in any way understand a pivotal point about conversation, or cutlery, or the right time to order a taxi.
可是忧惧、易怒的爱人却做不到这一点。
One knows intuitively, when teaching a child, that only the utmost care and patience will ever work: one must never shout, one has to use extraordinary tact, one has to make ten compliments for every one negative remark and one must leave oneself plenty of time…
他们之所以会情不自禁地用突然翻脸、暴跳如雷的方式来“教训”（伴随着砰的一声摔门声）对方，并不是因为他们失去理智或心存恶念（尽管很容易得出这样的结论），而是因为他们害怕：害怕自己在这世上的下半辈子被伴侣毁掉，因为他抓不住说话的要领，连刀叉也摆不好，甚至连叫辆出租车都会搞错时间。
One knows intuitively, when teaching a child, that only the utmost care and patience will ever work: one must never shout, one has to use extraordinary tact, one has to make ten compliments for every one negative remark and one must leave oneself plenty of time…
直觉告诉我们，教育孩子要付出极大的爱心和耐心才会有效果：对孩子切勿吼叫，你得运用超凡的智谋，要批评一句，你得表扬十句，切忌操之过急……
All this wisdom we reliably forget in love’s classroom, sadly because increasing the level of threat seldom hastens development.
We do not grow more reasonable, more accepting of responsibility and more accurate about our weaknesses when our pride has been wounded, our integrity is threatened and our self-esteem has been violated.
然而在爱的课堂上，我们准会把这些明智之举抛诸脑后，这很悲哀，因为越是咄咄逼人，越不利于对方的成长。
The complaint against the irritable person is that they are getting worked up over “nothing”.
But symbols offer a way of seeing how a detail can stand for something much bigger and more serious.
The groceries placed on the wrong table are not upsetting at all in themselves.
But symbolically they mean your partner doesn’t care about domestic order; they muddle things up; they are messy.
Or the question about one’s day is experienced as a symbol of interrogation, a lack of privacy and a humiliation (because one’s days rarely go well enough).
一旦傲气受损，人格遭贬，自尊蒙创，我们并不会更加通情达理，更加敢于担当，更有自知之明。
The complaint against the irritable person is that they are getting worked up over “nothing”.
But symbols offer a way of seeing how a detail can stand for something much bigger and more serious.
The groceries placed on the wrong table are not upsetting at all in themselves.
But symbolically they mean your partner doesn’t care about domestic order; they muddle things up; they are messy.
Or the question about one’s day is experienced as a symbol of interrogation, a lack of privacy and a humiliation (because one’s days rarely go well enough).
人们常抱怨易怒者“无端”发火。
The solution is, ideally, to concentrate on what the bigger issue is.
Entire philosophies of life stir and collide beneath the surface of apparently petty squabbles.
Irritations are the outward indications of stifled debates between competing conceptions of existence.
It’s to the bigger themes we need to try to get.
但是见微知著，小事的背后可能隐含着更大、更严重的问题。
The solution is, ideally, to concentrate on what the bigger issue is.
Entire philosophies of life stir and collide beneath the surface of apparently petty squabbles.
Irritations are the outward indications of stifled debates between competing conceptions of existence.
It’s to the bigger themes we need to try to get.